Paramour

I want to be your lover
But I end up settling for paramour
I want to be swept off my feet
And feel wanted
Just a little bit more
But seldom do others do the asking

Dating is a different animal when you're transgender
We hide our identities till our senses we surrender
Dating before you're out is perpetually wrought
With the anxiety that if you are open about being you
That you will face rejection for living true

I never dated in high school
I was the dork hiding in the back questioning all the rules
Never had to courage to ask anyone out on a date
For my soul was consumed with confusion and self hate
Why would anyone date me, when taught by society to hate me?
The moment I showed a hint of it
Someone tried to rape me

Coercive male socialization leading to me becoming a target for victimization
Too much to swallow, let alone the notion of dating
For fear of being called a fake and thus I kept waiting 

I don't want to be your manic pixie dream girl
But it seems like that becomes my role in many a human’s world
There to provide emotional labour and safe advice for friends in need 

The cis gays don't want to date you
Because you're too effeminate for them
And cis lesbians dismiss as a creep
And call you a pretendbian
Straight men don't see you as a woman
But as their Craigslist fantasy to exploit
Straight women are looking for men
So best to forget about them 

Our dating pool is pretty small
If it even exists at all
I try and find queer love
As I speak to heaven above
But I end up someone couples unicorn
Or a human subject of fetish porn
Not for love or luck
Just your cheap drunken fuck

Your manic pixie dream girl performing emotional labour to brighten your world
While my heart is drained empty
Nothing more than a paramour looking for real love